You reap what you sow…a wise friend said that to me the other day without realizing that those were the exact words I so desperately needed to hear. The meaning is so simple yet so deep. In more technical terms, your output is directly correlated to your input (of course with some exceptions).
I have been in this crazy funk since much earlier this year. Our blog is a reflection of this. Before our recent lamb harvest, my last post was in March, about the same time we found and lost our “dream” property on Whidbey Island. I am sure that this was the event that started the funk cycle.
I haven’t felt like myself for a long time. I felt like I lost my identity. I lost myself. I lost my strength and will power to keep working towards my goals and dreams. Everything I was trying to do, was not right. The universe was against me. I felt like I was failing as a mother, a wife and a friend. I felt like my dreams were getting further and further away from me and so was my willingness to try. I felt like all I was doing was sowing just for others to reap. I worked hard, but someone else got the acreage and everything I wanted. It even sounds petty to write this, but its how I felt.
So I gave up. I did the minimal to stay afloat. I found little joys here and there in teaching, gardening and our few trips to the ocean but was constantly struggling to fully appreciate all that was around me. I was unhappy and very negative. I tried really hard not to display my true emotions around others, especially my children. It was difficult, and as a result I was more short and annoyed with the kids and strained my relationship with Paul. I was painfully aware of this but was almost paralyzed with the inability to “snap out of it”. I was fully submerged into a self loathing pity party. I was this poor lady whose dreams were crushed by the banks, with children that just did not want to listen and a husband who might not be her soulmate after all, because all we did was fight. The garden was neglected mid-summer and to a degree, so were the animals. This was my input into the world–into my family, into my homestead. I am not sure what I was expecting the outcome to be. You reap what you sow…
Well, today, I snapped out of it. Such simple words from an old friend–had such significant impact. Its funny how old friends come into our lives when they are needed the most. I am sure he thinks I am nuts and I probably am, but I am very grateful for his presence and wisdom.
If I want to see change–I have to change. Sow and grow my future. I have so much to be thankful for! I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a teacher and a homesteader. One day, and y’all better believe it, I will be a farmer on Whidbey Island. Until then, I will continue to work hard in achieving every goal I ever set. Working my 1/6th of an acre to its fullest. Learning new skills, mastering some of the old ones. I plan to teach more suburban-homesteading classes. Grow a bigger, more productive garden to nourish my family and most of all, be more present and positive to family and friends. I have been studying herbal medicine and trying to self educate myself small farm medicine to further prepare myself to be a farmer. There is a wealth of knowledge to obtain, and I am ready for it all.
2018 may not have been my best year–but it was mine to learn from. Watch out 2019, I have my fight back. My middle name is that of my father’s. It means lion, and I am ready to roar! Our homestead has only one resolution this year, and its to have more positive attitude and appreciation for what we have. Happy New Year!! The year of the pig…means wealth! Wishing you all a prosperous 2019!